I’ve got nothing to write about, really.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I only write about depressing thoughts, upsetting situations, and heartbreak. Times when I’m down are times when I’m too embarrassed to share verbally, those are the times when I resort to my blog.

When I’m happy, when I’m excited, when I’m in character (because everyone knows me as this ridiculously loud, upbeat person), I just share my life with people. I tell everyone who will listen my good news, my joy, my accomplishment. I find it too time consuming to write those thoughts down…

20 years from now, when people look back to these blog entries, they’re going to think I’m this loser who does nothing but whine. LOL.

All the great things happening I don’t write down, but I record every bit of sadness in my life. I need to find some sort of balance…

But you see, I’m not writing lately… because my life is the best it’s ever been. I’m enjoying my freedom, I’m growing up so much, I’m in love, I’m being adventurous, I’m busy as heck but I’m more than satisfied about who I am, where I’m at, and who I will be.

:D :D :D :D

I’ve always loved life, but right now I love it so much I want to dance around with it in circles, naked. (okay, I apologize for the visuals)

More to come, I hope. I really need to start recording the best days of my life.

I’m trying really hard to remember the reasons we are friends…

… and I can’t even recall the last time we actually had fun.

To realize that he doesn’t give a damn, that he isn’t even attempting to make an effort, that your best friend just simply doesn’t miss you?

It’s ridiculously hurtful.

2 more exams, 2 more days.

AND I’M DONE.

Forever.

The past month has been pretty amazing.

The ‘Nucks are playing solid team hockey, and there’s nothing like playoff hockey with good outcomes to make everyone reconnect and bond all over. I’ve been hanging out with the guys (and the best friend) and it almost seems like progress is being made, it almost seems like we’re having fun again. Almost.

Baby steps, right? :)

Anyway, the boyfriend’s been amazing - I’ve never laughed so much in my life. I love that he’s so much like me, that he hurts my ears when he gets excited about something. I love that he can’t sit still, or stay silent, or sugarcoat anything. Seriously, opposites do NOT attract, at least not in my case, not anymore.

He doesn’t push, he doesn’t push by telling me he’s trying not to push, he just actually doesn’t push. Yet somehow he still gets me to step out and grow up and do all the things I’ve always wanted to do but kept procrastinating. We communicate and we’re strangely in sync about who we are and where we’re at and what we want.

THIS is what I want. An easy, comfortable relationship that brings a smile to my face whenever I think about it. I’m totally smitten but I’m not over-thinking it. I feel so incredibly ME and I’m just happy.

All those weird avoid-y symptoms and girly mind games? No longer. This feels right and I feel good about where we’re at. I’m not going to let insecurity or fear of the future hold me back. I’m having way too much fun for that.

Bring it on, life.

What do you do when someone you thought you knew inside and out turned into this unrecognizable human being?

What do you do when you know that someone needs a beating upside the head to snap the hell out of it but you’re too afraid to be the one to do it? Because you think you might end up being shut out as a result?

What do you do when your brain screams “what happened to you??” and “who are you?” every time you interact with this newly transformed person?

What do you do when the best solution you can think of is to turn back time?

What do you do when this person is your best friend?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Aside from being deathly ill all Easter long weekend, which is such a bummer in itself… Kevin’s big Easter family dinner didn’t turn out the way I imagined it to.

There were dogs and grandkids running around, crying and spilling, and a grandma on oxygen. It was such the prototypical white family holiday gathering I felt like I was in a sitcom. And in true sitcom fashion it was also stiff and awkward. There were lots of loud noises but also lots of sitting next to each other in silence going on.

In short, I didn’t think I performed the way i wanted to on the first meeting with the boyfriend’s mother. I wasn’t the best version of myself. Kevin called me “quiet”… That fact would delight my family but from him I didn’t think was a complement.

:’( BOO.

An unforgettable roadtrip to California and a fabulous birthday later… I’m back to the internet world.

I love this place. I DO.

I just want to be inspired to write more than simply my mundane life and boy drama.

I’m doing that thing again…

I’ve always known my biggest downfall in the domain of dating - my defense mechanism. My guard, up wayyy high.

I’m cool and fun and confident until I actually decided that I really like a guy… then out comes the crazy. Out comes the gates across my heart, and my non-committal, avoid-y symptoms kick in.

I refuse to initiate because I don’t want to be needy.
I refuse to give because I don’t want to be too much.
I refuse to open up because I don’t want to be vulnerable.
I refuse to get attached because I don’t want to get hurt.

I refuse to accept the greatness of it all because I don’t want to fall.

In other words, I become that girl who plays the mind games. The hot and the cold, the moods, the word traps. I become that girl who looks for excuses to melodramatic.

Yeah I know… I am a strange, strange person. And I need to get over the fears pronto.

Because I really, really don’t want to F this up.